Killing Two Beards with One Stone
by suspect tomatoes
Summary: There's nothing handsome about a Brillo pad on your face. One-shot.


**A/N: Holy christ, really? I gotta stop this. I'm delirious enough.**

Adam stumbled into the bright morning light streaming in through his kitchen windows. It was too early, but he had to be up to meet the parents of his very lovely girlfriend. They were supposed to be there at nine, and then all hell would break loose.

Adam looked at the clock blinking above his stove – seven-forty-five.

Just a little over an hour before Armageddon.

No pun intended.

"Good morning, sunshine." MacKenzie frowned when she saw the bleary look on Adam's face, putting her coffee mug down on the counter carefully. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing." He thumped open the fridge. "Do we still have cereal?"

"Why are you eating?" She gaped as he took out an apple. "We're having breakfast with my parents."

"But I'm hungry." He took a bite, smiling. "You look pretty."

"You look... " She looked like she was going to lean against the counter, but she ended up springing forward, pressing her finger into Adam's exposed torso.

He looked down in disgust. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Mack grinned apologetically. "How should I put this?"

"Put _what_?"

"You're a little... " She kneaded his side. "Fat."

"_Fat_?" He grimaced and shook back and forth. "Nothing moves! I'm not fat!"

"You don't have hip dents anymore." She tugged down his boxers slightly, rubbing her fingers over his skin. "Smooth sailing, baby."

"Get away from me!" He tossed the apple in the garbage, pouting. "Don't touch me like that unless you mean it."

"Adam." She smiled and put her arms around his middle. "I'd love you if you weighed a ton."

"Thank you, baby." He kissed her lips quickly.

"But that doesn't mean I want you to be a ton." She jiggled him. "And you do move. Just not enough. Get on a treadmill."

"MacKenzie!"

"I'm just kidding." She sat on the counter and grinned at him, picking up her coffee. She pouted when he wouldn't look at her. "Did I hurt your feelings, Adam?"

"No." He growled, deep in his throat. "I'm just sick of you making fat jokes."

"I'm sick of you being fat." She giggled, but leaned forward and snagged his arm when he tried to walk away. "Stop. I'm just kidding."

"No, you're not." He struggled against her when she pulled him between her legs. "Leave me alone, I have to go get ready."

"No, you don't. You have to stay here with me." She grinned up at him, pushing her lower lip out when he just scowled at her. "Don't be mad at me. I think you're perfect."

"That's clearly a lie."

"No, you _are_." Her hands slid up his chest. She kissed his collarbone. "I love every inch of you."

"I noticed." He smirked. "But I'm still mad at you."

"_Why_? I apologized."

"You've wounded me. Deeply."

"Well, what do you want me to do?"

He lifted one side of his mouth, forming a dent in his scruffy cheek.

She blushed. "Now? Adam – "

"Hey, you wanted to make it up to me."

"No, you need to get dressed."

"Undressed."

"Adam – "

"Good morning, assholes!" Britt flew into the kitchen with a paper cup of coffee and a white bag of something, Matt trailing behind her tiredly. "I've come bearing gifts."

"I don't consider Matt a gift," Adam said snidely.

"I don't consider your obesity one either." Britt nodded at him. "Put some pants on."

"That's it, I'm done with this house." Adam stalked out of the room. "I'm packing my stuff and I'm moving, and I won't tell you where I am!"

"Adam – "

Britt waved him away. "Mike and Ali are on their way. We're going to the beach."

"But my parents – "

"They can come, too!" Britt opened the fridge. "Got any food?"

"You brought bagels," Matt yawned.

"Oh!" Britt thumped the door shut, diving into the bag. "Right. Sesame or onion?"

"I need to go get ready – "

"You need to get Adam on a diet." She started opening drawers for a bread knife. "Have you _seen_ him lately?"

MacKenzie frowned. "I... Yes."

"Well, do something about it."

"Why don't you deal with Matt's weight problem?"

"That's different." Britt motioned toward him. "His knee's been acting up."

"Right. How's it feel now, Matt?"

He glared at her. "Still hurts, Mack."

"It's certainly hasn't hurt during your trips to the refrigerator."

"Stop!" Britt popped the poorly halved bagel into the toaster. "Matt's not fat, he's... shapely."

"He's not a woman." Mack frowned. "And how come you can insult Adam but I can't insult Matt?"

"Because Adam deserves insults." Britt stopped. "Do you have any butter?"

"No."

"Yes, you do." She opened the fridge, scanning the contents with her hands on her hips. "Ah! Here it is."

"I don't want a bagel."

"Too bad." Britt grinned when the doorbell rang. "Ali's here."

"Why'd she ring the doorbell?"

"Cock-a-doodle-doo!" Mike jumped into the kitchen. "It's mornin', everyone! Wake up!"

MacKenzie put her hands over her ears. "Christ, you're fucking loud."

"So I've been told." Mike laughed when Ali slapped his back. "What?"

"Shut up." Ali hit MacKenzie's knee. "Your boyfriend's on the roof attempting to commit suicide."

"_What_?"

"Yeah. He has a noose around his neck, but what's he gonna attach it to?"

"Is this a joke, Ali?"

"I don't know." Her eyes lit up. "Britt, are those bagels?"

"They certainly are!"

MacKenzie snagged at her arm, but she was already near the toaster. "Ali, is Adam trying to kill himself or not?"

Ali raised a brow, bending back when Mike tried to steal a piece of her bagel. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Mack threw up her hands, hopping off the counter. "I'm gonna go check on Adam."

"He's fine," Matt growled. He looked at Britt. "Can I have a bagel?"

Britt popped a bit in her mouth, eyeing him pensively. "No. I think you should have a protein shake and then call it a day."

"Why? I'm hungry."

"Well, MacKenzie thinks you're fat, so you should go on a diet."

"Why should I care what MacKenzie thinks?"

"Because MacKenzie's always right. Now hustle to the car and back."

"What for?"

"It's training day, asshole!"

MacKenzie wheeled around and hurried out of the kitchen. Her head was about to explode from all the noise, so she went in search of Adam. She frowned, leaning against the doorway of their bedroom. Completely empty.

At least it was quieter. MacKenzie climbed up onto the bed and leaned against the pillows, closing her eyes with a sigh. Her parents would be there any minute, and she hoped she could have her friends out before then.

"Are Mike and Ali here?"

MacKenzie opened her eyes and smiled slightly. "Yeah. Surprise."

Adam ran his hand up and down his face a few times. "Maybe we should take your parents out for breakfast."

"That sounds like a good idea."

Adam tightened the towel around his waist and went in front of the mirror, combing his fingers through his wet hair a few times.

MacKenzie slid off the bed and went to him, winding her arms around his middle. "You're not fat."

"Oh?"

"Nope." She kissed his wet skin. "And I'm sorry if I made you feel bad."

"Apology accepted." He turned around and grinned. "Seal the deal, hot stuff."

MacKenzie smiled, leaning up to smack a kiss on his mouth. "I should probably get dressed, huh?"

"You shower already?"

"Yeah." She went into the closet, pushing hangers around. "Should I wear a dress?"

"You got great legs."

"Is that a yes?"

"Yeah." He stepped beside her and tugged a shirt down from his side of the closet, tickling her hip on his way back.

"Stop!" she squealed, glaring at him as he exited.

She opted for a simple dress and went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She could hear her friends destroying Adam's kitchen, but she decided it was better to just let them do what they had to do instead of trying to interfere.

Adam grinned around the toothbrush in his mouth when he saw Mack's reflection. "Fancy seeing you here."

She bumped him aside with her hip. "Can't understand a word you're saying."

He spit. "I said fancy seeing you here."

"You sound like Matt. Don't." She began to brush ferociously, scrubbing at her back teeth, then upper molars, scraping the bristles against the front.

Adam wiped his mouth, tapping his brush back into the holder. "Angry?"

"No." She washed her brush, spitting down the drain. "Why?"

"You were scrubbing pretty hard."

"Oh. Well... " She shrugged, putting hers back too. "I guess I'm just aggressive like that."

Adam nodded, pushing his hair around as he watched himself in the mirror. "I like aggressive."

MacKenzie looked up from doing her make-up, frowning. "Did you shave today?"

"Nope." He ran his hand over his chin. "Thinking about growing the beard again."

"Adam." MacKenzie faced him. "We already talked about this."

"What?" He patted his cheek. "I think it makes me look distinguished."

"It makes you look like a highlander."

"No, it doesn't."

"You look like you should be hiking a mountain."

"I like mountains."

"Fighting off bears."

"I like a good bear fight."

MacKenzie lifted her shoulders, thumping through her make-up case for some eye shadow. "It looks like you're not getting any ass until you shave it."

Adam froze.

Mack spritzed some perfume over her front. "Doesn't help that you're a little pudgy either."

"What if I lost weight?"

She shook her head. "Doesn't matter. It's still a beard."

Adam scratched at his jaw. "To beard or not to beard."

MacKenzie held up her hands. "That is the question."

Adam nodded. "I'm thinking to beard."

"Okay." Mack fluffed her hair, turning to leave the bathroom. "Looks like it's just you and your hand, buddy."

She left him staring. And when he didn't follow her, she waited around the corner, ear perked toward the door.

The faucet turned on.

Mack nodded, smiling. "Good boy."

**A/N: So I accidentally said "****it's like killing two beards with one stone"**** one time when I was talking about Edge. I've been threatening to write this for the past... since Edge came back at Survivor Series. So... Almost two months? Almost two months. And here it is. In my delirium, I should not be allowed to write. Review.**


End file.
